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Showing posts from May, 2011

Day 231: "You keep handing out horseshoes. Horseshoes have gotta be tossed."

For years I thought it was OK to just wait for things to fall into my lap. Artistic opportunities, jobs, lovers… And they did. Strangely enough. My sister always said, “You are the luckiest person I know, things always come to  you !” She was right. I was just a lucky person. Until I wasn't anymore. And things stopped falling into my lap. $10,000 development deals with Warner Records turned into corporate gigs with a latino band. My day job was no longer a part time thing but a daily ritual to pay off accumulating bills. And I was suddenly single in an unfamiliar dating world that had become shallow, tricky and complicated. What happened to my horseshoe? All this time I had been holding onto a lucky star, and I never realized  it  let go of  me . I got lazy, didn’t pull my own weight and it dropped me. I soon gave up on what I wanted. I was repeatedly drawn to people that I thought had a special spark or talent. And I bent over backwards to help them,

Day 222: back step

When you see people from your past (thank you facebook) moving on and you still feel kind of stuck in neutral, you start to wonder about your decision making.  I don’t know. Maybe it’s all this gloomy rain, but I’m taking a good bit of the blame tonight for the things that didn’t work out. My stubborn mindset. My fancifulness. I think about the real progress I’ve made individually, and how crucial those independent steps have been. But I guess the question tonight is: when you hold onto your freedom so tightly, are you really free? Or are you just alone? 

Day 215: Evolution

Yesterday I had a nice catch up chat with an ex-boyfriend.  He played a major part in the evolution of my personality as a woman. He was my biggest fan. Front and center of all my shows. Always telling me I was beautiful, talented, and making me feel sexy. He pushed me out of my cocoon and my traditional upbringing--challenging the boundaries. And he gave me the confidence of never doubting for a second that I was loved. As fiery and passionate as our relationship was, we too often were two roosters in a cage. And eventually that stopped us from evolving as a couple. But the woman I am now would not be possible had I not left him. And the man he is today would not be possible if he had not met the women he did after me. And then today I spent time with an amazing woman. Out of all my friends, she has evolved the most. Leaps and bounds! I can remember walking about town with her while she struggled to find her place in this big ol’ world. But with a bit of time and t

Day 213: You choose. You chose.

The spotlight glared on my face and the crowd hushed. I closed my eyes for a second to hear my thoughts.  My head whispered, “Pick Door Number 1, trust me, it’s the smarter choice”. But my heart… My heart had already chosen. As I walked towards Door Number 2 a bead of sweat dripped from my brow.  I touched the handle, turned it slowly, and opened the door. The crowd voiced their disappointment. There was nothing there. By default, the other contestant got the prize behind Number 1. Her friends and family rushed over to celebrate with her. Balloons fell from the ceiling, and the band played. The host put his arm around me and said, “That’s the game, kid. Better luck next time.”

Day 212: Weighed In The Balance

You know. Yes, you understand. Mediocrity follows you around like a shadow you can’t outrun. Doesn’t he? And because of him you never quite get what you want. Every corner you turn, there you are. Standing in your own way. Doing what’s right. Saying what’s wrong. Watching passion parade past you. Horns blaring. Sky falling. Like a feverish dream you lived inside your head, once upon a time. Yes. You understand that every small thing could change everything. But you know best how nothing comes of nothing.