Sunday, October 2, 2011

Day 362: Helm's Deep

I've done the unthinkable: I’ve read through some old posts - the earlier ones. It’s quite something to me, upon reading them now, to see how much I have progressed emotionally since then. And because I have, my physical world feels different to me. The landscape is new, even though the weather was much like today when I started; crisp October wind, leaves falling, rain falling – the difference is, I’m not falling anymore.

I've realized that you can’t protect yourself like a fortress. What way is that to live? And is that even living? Hiding behind the safety of the armored walls you built to shield yourself from being wounded or judged? No. You need to submit to your demons, fears and insecurities so that you may understand how to battle them. Because never exploring their depths keeps them mystical creatures that can haunt you at will and hold court for as long as they choose. And they will if you let them.

Words have helped me face some shadows this year. And there in the dark I found a girl that is very human, very prone to mistakes but who could laugh at herself when she fumbled, and who could be strong when it was easier to be weak. And oh how I wanted to be weak. It was only by falling into my vulnerabilities and by facing the crossfire head-on that I could ever fight my way across that moat to be at home with myself again. And I am. So much so. Feet firmly planted. Legs strong.



2 comments:

  1. It's been such a double joy reading your blog all year - for the words themselves, and to see what you described unfolding. Even from this far away, you can see and feel the change. I can't think of better proof that it was a journey you were meant to take.

    And wow - 2 more days!!!

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