Thursday, September 22, 2011

Day 352: Intervention

Well it would seem that there’s no avoiding the middle-man.
After yesterday’s written appeal to God, I got a six a.m. phone-call:

365: (half asleep): Hello?

The Profit: This is God’s right hand man speaking.

365 (groggy): Wha?

The Profit: They call me the Profit, because I am here to profiteer. Be comforted, my child, your message to the almighty has been processed by the proper authorities and I have been sent to save you. To SAVE you, I say. For only three easy payments of 19,95$ - I’ll save you.

365 (brighter): Finally! Someone with something to SAY. Oh, wait, you said ‘save’. Do I know you?

The Profit: Well, that depends... have you ever watched America’s Most Wanted?

365: Ummm, no...

The Profit: Swedish Survivor, Season 5?

365: Yes!

The Profit: Then no, you don’t know me.

365: Oh.

The Profit: Sweet girl, I am the Penitent Truth. The Majestically Modest. You know how religion is a mixture of noble spiritual pursuit and crass power-mongering?

365: Pardon me?

The Profit: You know, religion?

365: Huh?

The Profit: It’s this thing where you search for a deeper meaning in life while manipulating people into doing your bidding. You should try it sometime. Anyway. I spare you the soul-searching - which y’all ought to be doing on your own time. Who am I? I am all that is glorious in all the world’s religions: the spectacle, the direct-fax-line-to-God, the profit. Ah, the profit... Now. How can I help you? Ask me about anything that is troubling you.

365: Time. Time is my trouble. I need it to stretch its limbs a little. So that I can write the way I want to write these last few days.

The Profit: Say seven Hail Marys, don’t eat fish on Friday, dress modestly, problem solved!

365: Really? Wonderful. OK! So...Pray: check. Steak: check. No cleavage or flashy jewelery -- well, we’ll work on that last one. Thank you!!

The Profit: Now regarding those three easy payments...

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