Monday, September 12, 2011

Day 342: Old like me.

I have made a frightening realization:
I’m old.
Two weeks ago, I didn't watch the VMA’s because I didn’t recognize anyone.
Like, anyone. (Nicki who?)
You know what I watched instead?
I watched Beaches. On TV. With commercials.
Because I’m old.
This morning, I was plucking my eyebrows and found one renegade white hair in the mix.
A mix of bewilderment and horror came upon me.
I had to put my glasses on (because I’m old) and pluck that scary lil' sucker out.
I think I might have even looked over both shoulders to make sure no one saw.
(I live alone).
And just before, I saw some Jonas-brother-guy premiere his sexy new music video and felt completely creepy for finding him hot.
You know why?
Because as I was watching him straddle some girl, I realized: he’s half my age!
When did this happen?
When did I slink into my mid-thirties?
Nobody asked me if I wanted to be here yet!
If you would go back in time and give a glimpse to my 17 year old self at where she would be at 34…
Oh boy.
She would most definitely not be impressed with the Beaches thing.
She would look at Future Me with an incredulous expression.
She would say, “What the fuck? Where’s all the money we were going to make? Aren’t we famous? You’re what? Single?! “(echo echo echo)
And then she would cry into a bag of Humpty Dumpty BBQ chips..
And Will Smith would have to show up and zap that thing so she could forget the whole ordeal.
You see that?
See what I just did?
I referenced a movie from 1997.
I rest my case.


  1. You're 34? You're not old. 34 is hot. 40 is old. I am 40. No, I don't wear glasses. But the bald spot is growing. I spotted two grey hairs. For the first time ever I have to think about what I eat. At 40 the 1/2 lb burgers and fries don't melt off anymore. Don't worry about lusting over someone younger than you. My ex is 31. Don't worry - 34 is hot. I retired from boxing because I needed a lower impact sport. Yay 40. You're 6 years away. 34 is awesome. ;)

  2. It's all relative. Again: It's all relative. I struck up a conversation the other day at the Casino with a couple married for 70 years. He's 95 and she's 92. They were in tip top shape - mental and physical (he had a walker, but was slaloming around people like Tony Hawk). Shall we ask their opinion of your post? You wanna tell a different story when you're 51 looking back at 34? Then move your ass now and make it happen! I know, I know, you don't need the Tony Robbins spiel, but you get the gist. We still friends? Don't block me on facebook :))


  3. @Shawn: Thanks for stopping on by my blog and for the ego boost. 34 is the new black, you say? Cheers to that! As for younger men, I have always had a bias against them, but their libidos match up to that of all us 30-something you might be on to something. ;-)

    @Mark: You sure told me! Don't forget, old friend, a lot of this is tongue in cheek (girl's gotta write about something!). I'm a very happy camper. But I'm still blocking you on facebook.

  4. We are the same age, and yes, I feel old too. I hate it. I look at younger guys too and then realize the age difference. I think there is a name for that. ;)