Friday, September 2, 2011

Day 332: How To Date Unsuccessfully.

Single women of the world, it’s tough out there, we hear you on that one.
Men are hard to read, hard to decipher, hard to crack...
Or maybe we’ve just decided that’s the case, because we don’t want to admit we’re a little clingy and a tad bananas.
Let’s face it, we have played our part in turning 'bad dating' into an art form.

My trusty pal, Marcie, and I have decided to amalgamate our own foiled attempts with those we’ve accumulated from our fellow sisterhood and create 11 Sure-Fire Tips on how to save time and get to a crappy end result faster.
(Time is money, people).

How To Date Unsuccessfully

1) Always, always go out with more than three of your best girlfriends. Huddle closely and laugh hysterically while overlapping each other's stories. This way, no man will find an opening to come over and talk to you.

2) Should a man come over and strike up a conversation be sure to talk about how much you want kids within the first 5 minutes of flirting.

3) On dates with a guy you really like, read into things he says: i.e. when he uses the word “us” lodge it deep into your psyche immediately. Spend your lunch breaks picturing upcoming vacations together, or him laughing at your dad’s jokes or what your future master bedroom will look like.

4) Cry. Cry in the middle of a bustling bar because you are so happy. Or cry because he forgot that today was your 3 week anniversary and planned a night out with the guys instead. Either way, try to cry. Guys love that.

5) Get him used to texting you instead of talking on the phone. But you can call him all the time, especially when you know he won’t/can't answer (i.e. when he is at work, at the gym, sleeping...). Then get really bitchy when he does pick up and start a fight about how you don’t feel like you are a priority. 

6) Ask your close guy friends for their opinion on something your new boyfriend said that puzzled you. When they give you a realistic answer, erase it from memory and start asking your girlfriends instead. Spend an entire night discussing it over dinner and drinks with them until you all come to the conclusion that something is bothering him. Call him at a late hour and say you need to have a talk about why he never opens up. Cry.

7) After you have sex for the first time, ask him where he sees this relationship going. Make sure to say the word ‘relationship’.

8) Effectively communicate your disapproval of his friends. Tell him they are holding him back. Invite him out with you and the girls. Get hurt when he says he doesn't want to be the only guy there. Get moody. When he asks you what’s wrong say tersely, “Nothing.”

9) Tell him you don’t want anything for Valentines Day/Your Birthday/One Month Anniversary, when you really mean you do and convince yourself he can read your mind.

10) Talk about ex-boyfriends so that you can open the door to having him talk about his ex-girlfriends. When he does not take the bait (they never do) ask specific questions about his past relationship/dating history. Especially questions regarding sex. Find out what he liked to do with the other girls. Act cool and laugh while he is telling the stories but memorize the names of the girls and then stalk them on facebook. Get jealous, freaked out and really quiet the next time you are together. Long silences are great to convey you are upset. As, of course, are excessive tears.

11) Under no circumstances be yourself.


  1. I think you should add "Cry." to #8 as well.... I really think it'd tie in nicely. ;) FYI: I should NOT have read this post!!! I need to catch up first... although, it's good to know I'd fit in! I think. :S

  2. Lodge it!!! HA HA HA!! Like a freakin' blackberry seed lodged between your teeth!!! I just wish your favorite number was 23 so I could read more!

    - LahmaJ

  3. #12: keep seeing your ex-boyfriend to make sure you'll never meet a new, and stay single for ever :)