Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Day 308: On the brain.

I have a lot on my mind.
How can it be that the same organ that is causing weird symptoms in my body is the same organ that transmits the fear and worrying related to such symptoms?
What a busy little bee my brain is.
Today I had an EEG done to see if the left-sided episodes I’m experiencing are some type of focal seizure.
On the slow walk home from the hospital, I started to let my mind wander to a place of fear.
I even allowed myself to Google my symptoms on my iPhone.
(Something I had not allowed until today).
Big mistake, of course.
A blanket of panic began to wrap itself around me.
I got home, lay down and turned the TV on.
Someone was talking about Multiple Sclerosis on Oprah.
Then I, against my own better judgment, thought it was a good idea to get off the couch and Google symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.
Then I gasped.
Then I called my sister and got choked up.
Then I got mad at myself for getting emotional.
Then I did what I always do when I can’t control my fears: clean like crazy.
I started with the vacuum.
Then I washed my floors.
Then I got out the wood polish and started to polish anything wood in my apartment.
I did this until I completely exhausted myself, sweat pouring down my forehead.
House clean and less of an emotional mess.
Do I feel something is wrong? Yes.
Can I diagnose it myself? No.
Am I scared? Yes.
Is panicking going to help my cause at this juncture? No.
Am I whispering to every angel I can summon to memory? Yes.
Do I feel like a hypocrite for praying only when I need something? Yes.
Do I want to let myself be overcome by panic and fear? Absolutely not.
I don’t want that.
I really don’t.
I’m made of so much more strength than that.
And besides, the left side of my body contains my heart.
Where my love comes from.
Where my hope comes from.
And in case you haven't noticed yet, 308 days in, my heart wins over my head every time.

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