Monday, August 1, 2011

Day 300: The One (carefully casted, of course)

Oh dear. What kind of friends and family allow you to be part of a show like The Bachelor/Bachelorette? The kind that hate you, that’s who. Tired of seeing you get your heart broken in private or via social network, they encourage you to get your body fit, a tan sprayed on, and super hot bikini purchased so that you can cavort in hot tubs on TV with about 30 men simultaneously until you whittle it down to THE ONE. “It works like a charm every time!” say the producers and no one else that isn’t affiliated with ABC.  Now, contrary to what my description of the show might portray, it is not hardcore porn. It is, however; Monday night 8pm on ABC prime time porn that the whole family can watch together.

Bachelorette: I feel so close to you right now on this secluded hotel rooftop.
Prospective Life Mate (hands up her skirt): It must be because I’m in love with you.
Bachelorette: We should make out in the hot tub. That’s how I find out if I really love someone.
(Cut to onscreen interview shot): I really think Ben could give me a happy ending.


Hmmm, even Nana can read through that subliminal subtext.

But besides all the rampant sexual innuendo, the best part, for me, is the complete emotional breakdown that happens every episode. All that ugly crying on camera. The unfiltered thoughts from being sequestered in a mansion for so long with too many hot available guys to choose from can really bring a girl down. Ya know?  (Yeah, I don’t either.  But I digress…)

Another reason your friends and family want you to get on the show is the hope that they’ll get a free vacation to a remote location in the South Pacific to interview the last two potential life mates (aka 3 month fiancé until the press dies down) to help you choose who should/will propose to you.  (Take a second to figure that little twist on marriage).  It’s all very 'An Affair to Remember’ meets ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest’, my point being: fictional.

Hey, I’m the first to say it’s tough out there. It’s hard to meet guys who reach or surpass every pedestal we single ladies hold high in our hearts. But, one thing is for sure, true love ain’t gonna happen on contrived dates in front of a bevy of cameras.
Your mom knows this, but then...she really likes Fiji too.

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