Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day 254: "Say hi to your mutha for me."

Yesterday, at a total dude centric bar, oblivious to our surroundings, four single thirty-something women (us) discussed our ideal mate. The following post consists of uncensored commentary as transcribed from a dirty, nacho soaked napkin.

Here we go.

The Absolutes:

Has to know how to fix things (i.e. I don’t want to have to call my dad if I’m dating you)
Has to be able to grow a good beard
Has to be compassionate
Has to be conversational…ASK QUESTIONS!
Has to be assertive/resourceful
Also, he has to be a wizard
“Or Aragorn. Is that too much?”

He has to be honest and a do-gooder (i.e. hold the door if you see I have two ice-caps in my hands asshole)
Some tattoos would be good
He has to be romantic
He has to like cats
Beards are good
“I’ll date the short guys”

Must make me laugh: this means that if your jokes are good, you can be a bit fat (i.e. Seth Rogan, I love you. Call me)
Some respect (or a dog) would be nice
Must drink coffee
Must have beard
Has to like Christmas
 “Not just like Christmas, he has to be obscenely passionate about it. And not the ‘Christ’ part; the gift(s), eat, snuggle, hot toddy, tree trimming, movie watching part. Is that too much?”

Well written (never use acronyms on purpose…UIITBW-->Unless it is to be witty)
Offbeat sexy
Braver than me ( i.e. when I’m a chicken shit, you can’t be)
I love a good beard, too
“I’ll date the tall guys”

The Deal-breakers:

Not a fan of a lisp
Don’t be rude to wait staff
You can never say, “I’m not good with my hands.”

No crying during or after sex
No barbed wire tattoos
Don’t call me passive aggressive; because that is, in fact, passive aggressive

“Don’t make me fuckin’ answer the phone when your drunken ex-girlfriend calls at three in the morning and I have to spend 20-30 minutes on the phone with her, making sure that she doesn’t harm herself over you. She was nice and all, but I’m pretty sure you’re not worth it.”

No contemporary dance moves in clubs/bars
Sloppy spelling
Never use the word “bro” in public or in private
No Crocs. Ever. I don’t care what your excuse is

Unanimous not-up-for-discussion NOOOOOOOOO’S!!!’s:
CAN’T like Nickleback
Don’t say “I’m too old to have sex more than once in a day.” (Women in their 30’s are peaking, god damnit)!
Don’t snub me if you’ve been inside me. (At least a drive-by hello!)

Bonus Points (ka-ching!):

Did we mention beards?
Foreplay for longer than 5 minutes (please)
You like the Lord Of The Rings movies
You embrace the 'Geek Chic'
You still want to talk to us after reading this list. (Seth Rogan, please call Christina…for the love of god!)

The beers helped to get us a little loose lipped, so no offence should be taken.
Just being honest.
And we hope any men out there; will reciprocate their lists back to us.
For research purposes.
It’s all about science, folks.


  1. HAHAHAHA !!!

    Good. Ça laisse tous les gars sans barbe pour moi. J'en ai marié un avec une barbe, I had my share, thank you. I hate Lord of the rings, je vous laisse ceux-là aussi. S'il me fait la passe de l'ex, je lui envoie une facture et je le quitte.

    Pour le reste, tu me fais penser que ce ne serait pas une mauvaise idée que je me fasse une liste...

    Gracias. That really was funny.


  2. So so funny! And they say women don't know what they want...pshhh.

  3. Since it's for science (and I'm a boy of science), and since I immensely enjoyed reading this post (which has now replaced the blinking cursor posts as my favorite post), and while I let my beard grow back in, I'll get the ball rolling for the males:

    In no particular order, here it is:
    Gotta use good words... and correctly... and correctly spelled! It's not "I could of" it's "I could have"!! Don't end every thought with "you know what I mean?"... know what I mean?
    No unecessary swearing. Sometimes swearing is good (and desirable), but not as a common adjective, noun or verb.
    Dark, straight or wavy hair. No curls please.
    Hands and feet! They gotta be purrdy!
    The voice. That's gotta be purrdy too. This one's not very heavily weighted on the list, though.
    If you're gonna be flat, it better not be your butt! This one is quite heavily weighted on the list!
    I wanna learn from you; you gotta bring new perspective on my views or even completely new views.
    I wanna look across the room proudly and see you talking with my friends and think to myself "what's she razzling and dazzling them with now?".
    You better not care that I live in Laval, lay down newspapers under my car mats in winter, have the same hair do since I've had hair and still wear my 12 yr old Puma's... untied.
    I'm a sucker for a Plain Jane. No makeup required, and please no foundation!! Imperfect skin is MUCH better than powdery fakeness.
    I wanna occasionally be caught off guard by what you say and do.... in a good way! Don't give me a purple nurple and say "weren't expecting that were you?". More like, if we're caught in the Cash Cab together and the question is "Name the 9 planets in order of distance from the Sun".... and you get the right answer without batting an eye. That would probably turn me on!
    Extra points for a non-smoker (regular smoker is almost a deal-breaker...I'm surprised that didn't make its way in the ladies' list) and double bonus if you floss regularly! (but a non-flosser is not a deal-breaker).
    I'll open your doors and build you a deck and carry you to bed from the sofa if you're too tired. Tout avec le plus grand plaisir... but DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!! ... that's all I ask.
    Mild eccentricity is good. Accent on the mild.

    ... and there must be a few more, but that's all that comes to mind right now.


  4. so ur saying, avid Star Wars and Indiana Jones fans are a no... No wonder my wife hates me!


  5. I think that Kaboom wrote something worth repeating. DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!! Give 50 bonus point to the man!

  6. I agree with Jukebox Jives on that, but shouldn't that be on the ladies lists too?

    A x

  7. This is fun!! Whatsamatta? Cat got everyone's tongue? Let's have some lists, boys and girls! Antimony: Display of genuine appreciation is most definitively (new word!) a two way street and is absolutely my complete reward for spoiling her!

    - m.kaboom