Thursday, May 12, 2011

Day 220: The next time you hear an offbeat trumpet solo…

**Google Blogger was down all day on May 12th. Determined to NOT let them ruin my 220 day streak in this crazy 365 day challenge…I posted to facebook instead. It's not a great post. But it's a post. (That I wrote before midnight. For the record).**

I have two bright crimson blotches on my cheeks from blowing my nose every five seconds.
I look really hot.
You want to know what’s hotter than that…?
Getting home and rubbing lots o’ Vaseline on my face to relieve and moisturize the redness.
Oh yeah, boys…I’m a red, shiny, germ- ridden mess!
And the sneezing!
My God!
When did I become such a spirited sneezer?
The force and velocity of it practically propels me to the other side of the room.
(A horrifying experience when driving a motorized vehicle at 100km an hour).
But, I have to say, the most abominable thing about having such a nasty cold is the imposed need of blowing my nose in public.
You see (oh brother, I’m just going to say it) 
When I blow my nose I sound like a trumpet.
A really loud trumpet.
I could pretty much audition for a blind jazz band.
And get the gig.
I blame my mom for this.
When I was a kid she would hold a tissue up to my nose and hiss in Italian,“Soffia forte! Forte!”
Which means:   
Eh! Oh! Stop sniffling and get it out or you’re an embarrassment to our ancestry!
Ok, fine. It really just means: ‘blow with strength’.
But I was 4, and impressionable!
The idea that zero sound meant 'disgraceful empty Kleenex' stayed with me!
And I was never able to delicately blow my nose again.
I’ve now grown accustomed to the raised eyebrows and muffled giggles in public washrooms.
My niece and nephew still crack up every single time, assuming I’m just being silly to make them laugh.
And my friends have warned, “You really shouldn’t blow your nose in public if you ever want a boyfriend again.”
That’s how much they know!
They don’t realize the comic relief my nose blowing has brought to tense situations in past relationships.
We could be fighting, yelling or crying and then I would blow my nose… and instantly we would burst into laughter.
Heavy discussion swiftly obliterated and we would kiss and make up.
So you see? I use my unfortunate gift to do good! 
Unless, of course, I’m genuinely mad.
Then I avoid tissue at all costs.
It’s all about timing, I've learned.

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