Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 199: Clear Blue

I bought myself a pretty clear blue gemstone ring while in Italy.
Azzurri (of course) made sense.
I told myself that this ring would be my reminder of this intensely happy feeling I found.
A feeling of carefree independence that I rediscovered in myself on that amazing trip.
I wore it all summer long, even to sleep, and then barely wore it this entire winter.
I should have, damn it.
Because wearing it today is reminding me of my smiling face in the jewellery shop.
And the way I pranced through the streets of Rome like I’d always known them.
The way I laughed with strangers at the fountain in Piazza Navona.
The way new friends told me I was delightful and beautiful, and they had only just met me.
I chose to forget it all because I was too busy brooding.
And instead I chose to remember a list of my traits that someone said weren’t appealing
And write about it.
So sad.
Stupid, really.
But this is an attempt at life in writing, right?
So I write what I feel as I feel it.
Too much.
I guess we all play the stupid girl once or twice in our lifetime.
Strange that I should be Connie Confrontational in all facets of my life except this one.
That I would sit in a puddle of my own projected illusions because I liked the way my clothes looked wet.
Instead of giving myself a real kick in the ass and a finger wagging.
My finger--yes, my finger with the lovely ring.
The shiny crystal clear blue ring was a good idea today.
I am a lot more than I allow myself to be.
Connie is moving in, to move everything else out.

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