Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day 131: the secondary consequence

Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
It seemed so unnatural saying goodbye forever after almost spending our lives together.
I knew him so intimately.
I knew how to push his buttons.
Her knew how to push mine.
We loved eachother with so much passion.
And suddenly we had to not love eachother anymore.
Just like that.
Because that's what I decided.
Because I couldn't fight the sneaking suspicion that this wasn't "it".
The comfort level that was reached vanished.
The communication ceased altogether.
I went about my daily life fighting memories of him tooth and nail.
I didn't want to get wishy washy.
Or send the wrong message.
I couldn't look back or change my decision.
I couldn't do that to him again.
So what did I do with those residual feelings for him?
The ones that were part of a package deal the moment we fell in love.
I buried them.

Until I ran into him so many years later.
And seeing him felt like a ghostly apparition reached inside my split chest and retrieved them from their secret hiding place.
I was tongue tied.
He hugged me to say hello and I felt as though he just pushed me off the Golden Gate Bridge.
I was free falling.
Remembering his scent.
Remembering him.
Remembering everything.
My feelings, freshly unearthed, began stretching their limbs.
But when the hug was over I took a good look at him.
His smile was different.
It was cordial.
And it hit me in the horrible way that it does.
We're strangers now.

5 comments:

  1. Oh my. I can actually feel what you feel. Beautifully written!

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  2. Ah, Tanya. First of all - this is so wonderfully written. I can't imagine putting such intense emotion to such succinct and perfectly heart felt words.

    I have been going through an incredibly similar experience over the last year (from his position). "And suddenly we had to not love each other anymore. Just like that." It's the "Just like that" part that I still can't get my head around, even though of course I understand the Whys and Hows intellectually. In the heart though, it feels like this has never happened to anyone in the world before because surely no one could survive it.

    But we do somehow, and you did and he did.

    I can tell you that, from my point of view (and maybe his) that it would mean everything to me to know that my old love felt those things, that there were feelings there to be unearthed. I'm not saying to tell him - I just mean that if he felt that in your hug or saw it in your look...it won't be meaningless to him.

    You can be sure he felt something too, behind the all-too-friendly smile. And even though you're strangers now (and despite the pain you probably made the right decision, for both of you) it seems to me that that is no small thing.

    Hugs dear, and thank you for this.

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  3. :) "You live you learn, you love you learn."

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