Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 138: electric powered light

I just wrote a paragraph about how I can see the moon from my living room loveseat and a red flag waved from the screen. I’ve already written a post about seeing the moon from my living room. Do you understand that I wrote the same exact paragraph with a few different adjectives three months ago?! Shit. Have I anything left to say? I feel stifled. Dried up. I’ve lost some readers it seems. I can feel it. And I totally understand. The other day I skimmed through my posts and I can actually see the progression and the decline.

The truth is: I’ve lost my muse.

This person made me want to write again. And this blog is the result of that want. It wasn’t so much for them or about them as it was the total inspiration to say something in a way that I had not found before them. And to work at it like it was worth something. It’s amazing what you can see about yourself when someone offers that type of flashlight. What a gift.

I found ways; there in the shadows it cast, to articulate it as I felt it. Saying what I meant, and meaning what I said. New territory. Uncharted waters. A kaleidoscope of feeling never put to writing before, not even in my journal.

What a ride.

But some situations have a life force all their own and the participants are caught off guard. And my muse is gone. With good reason, I suppose. No more lovely correspondence. No more sharing. Maybe that’s why I dwell. Or fixate. Because I’m holding onto pieces of a feeling. I’m grateful for having this passion back, but sometimes I think I’d rather never have been inspired if it would mean still having this person as my friend.

So, please be patient with me. If I’m not writing anything interesting. Honestly, I came close to writing an “OK, I think I’m done” post. But I want to try (even if nobody is reading anymore) to see something through to the end. To search a little longer for clues about this heart that I own but barely know. It really calls the shots, and surprises me every single day.

4 comments:

  1. You once wrote of a time when you were sitting in a café working on your laptop. With a touch of witty humour you described to perfection the atmosphere that surrounded you; the smells, the sounds, the lady with the autumn leaf stuck in her hair and the conversations you overheard. I almost felt as if I were in that café with you.

    Your January 7th post has the same feel of writing to it. As a matter of a fact, it’s the one that had the most comments. It seems it's that type of writing style you're most at ease with.

    Let life be your muse. Be in a state of observation and then write about it so you can share what you saw and felt in that particular moment of time.

    As for this blog, don’t forget that you are doing it for yourself. It is an attempt to write everyday but not in anyway an obligation. Let it be a source of enjoyment and discovery. It is clear that you have a talent for writing. So please enjoy it and do not let this blog become a burden.

    One must not force herself to write. One must be inspired to write.

    But on those days when you lack the inspiration but still feel that you must write something, then one line will simply do.

    Tonight, I’m looking at the moon.

    Susanne ♥♥

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  2. Thank you.
    Seriously, thank you.
    I needed that.

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  3. After a wonderful comment like that my comment seems silly but if it makes a difference I read your blog if not everyday then every other and I would be very sad to see you stop. Your very talented. Please keep writing.

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  4. Oh! Oh no! Oh shit! Ive just logged a post on my blog, the first in three weeks and Ive referred to you as someone who hasn't given up, hasn't lost sight of their goal to write daily. You don't need anything earth shattering to write about - its your musing and your style that makes me come back to read what you have to say. I read and I feel like I know you a bit. Please stick with it. Liz

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