Friday, February 4, 2011

Day 123: adventures in food shopping

Everytime I get to this grocery store I swear it’s the last time. 
It’s packed.  
With hipsters.
I find an empty basket on wheels, grab it and start through the maze.
The lanes are congested, and walk left/stand right does not apply.
There is no time to peruse. 
It is strictly grab-what-you-need and keep moving.
There are so many fedoras in here I can barely spot the pineapples.
As I'm choosing bread I hear the song ‘Young at Heart’ by Frank Sinatra playing.
Instant butterflies.

That song was once my cue to enter stage right and perform a 5 minute monologue.
The play was “Goodnight Desdemona (Good Morning Juliet)”.
My character was the ever quirky Constance Ledbelly.
Hilarious script and a crazy amount of lines.

Where the hell do all those memorized lines go?
I search my mind and can’t remember one single word.
Hmmm, that's nuts.
I am snapped back to present day as someone runs over my foot with their carriage.
Ouch!! OK, I think I’m done.
Time to pick a line for a cash register. 
Christ, they are all jammed up.
Stupidly, I pick the one next to the evil wall of Belgian chocolate.
My eyes dilate and my mouth salivates.
As I contemplate between caramel or wafer my eyes wander to the ice-cream freezer.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

The line finally moves.
Just one lady ahead of me.
Her phone rings.
All she has to do is pay so I can load my cart onto the counter.
I watch as she moves her body around to get a better signal.
She shouts
Hello repeatedly.
I want to flog her with my celery sticks.
But instead I reach my arm out for chocolate to compensate.
Damn you Belgium and your chocolaty goodness!

She leaves.
I hold my wallet ready as they tally up my damage.
$60 out and a million calories to go.
I make a mental note to never shop here again.


  1. I feel the same way everytime I go to Asda, only no hipsters - neds in baseball caps are the norm!
    Don't damn the chocolate, its the best damn thing about the supermarket!
    Lady A x

  2. I swear the same thing every time I go to certain places for grocerys and especially if it's a very busy time in the store...I am one that likes to get the best deal for what I am buying and the freshest fruits and veggies that I can so it takes time to shop...I hate pushing and shoving...but I also do not like when people block the whole isle because they are on the phone talking...I for one do not like listening to other people's conversations but my goodness I have over heard some doozies..bringing my little's along only add to the delight. :)

  3. Ha. like the part about flogging her with your celery sticks, then grabbing for chocolates. The irony.

  4. That sounds so much like my shopping experience earlier this week. I'm so sorry about the foot. I'll be more careful with the shopping cart next time. Have a chocolate!

  5. Howdee LORI ma'am, Lordy you sure are a good lookin woman an ah aint a jokin nor a jestin ya. Now I recon you got yurself purdy fixed up in life but theres a good ol boy down here in the LONE STAR who could fix ya up with a damned (pardon the blaspheemin) a reel nice lahf an comfortable too. We got ourselves a purdy good spread down here an, well, ah dont mind tellin yer - since mah first wahf died (hard work the doc said - what does he know)ah bin danged lonesome. Now looky here: my boy Randy's about to git hitched to some northern gal and she needs to shape up. She'll be doin all the chores so there won't be any need to lift a finger - ya can live like a pig in sh.. rye. Now waddya say? Just the two of us on the porch drinkin lemonade, chewin baccy and curin bacon; sound good to ya? Only problem is, this gal o Randy's maht make the place noisy of a naght time: some (pardon me ma'am) sex thing with CELERY FLOGGIN! Ahm gonna put a stop to it - this is a GOD FEARIN house. Now ah know you are cussed with that tourettes syndrome (ah read yur piece about swearin when you go for the groceries) Don't you go worryin yurself non cos you wont have to shop - Randy's gal will do all that, anywaysaroundaboutit the store's 50 miles away. SO ma'am or should ah say darlin? tell me ya like the sound o things and ah'll send one of the boys for you toot sweet (that's French)

    ADIOS for now....Obediah D Cayotewrangler The Third Jnr.

  6. :):)
    these are marketing techniques of these superstores to keep these yummy stuffs right near payment counters.

    impulse purchase!

    How wonderfully they know us !