Monday, January 10, 2011

Day 98: "I'm feeling a little faklempt. Talk amongst yourselves...."

Sheesh.
What is up with me today?
Twice my eyes brimmed over with tears.
Normally I would chalk this up to hormones, but I don’t think that’s the case. 
Both times I got emotional for the same reason.
I was reading an article in a magazine and then saw a separate unrelated news piece on TV about someone (each time it was a woman) overcoming some adverse situation and ‘making it’ in a big way.
And they were exclaiming how happy they are now.
Like, REALLY happy.
And suddenly there’s a lump in my throat and my eyes fill with water and I feel the need to compose myself.
Was I feeling it with them? For them?
Or was I jealous?
No.  I’m uncomfortable with the idea that I was jealous.
I hate jealousy.
I’m all for women making it on their own terms, really.
Their win is my win.
But for some reason today there seems to be a crack in my “move forward/think positive” outlook of late.
I just want to be THERE.
Now.
I want to be the one reveling in my own happiness.
And (mom, before you call me) that’s not to say I’m not happy. I am.
But I am searching for something in my life that I can’t quite define.
And that’s a bit scary.
And requires thicker skin.
I’m human.
It hits me sometimes.
I don’t feel like being Ms. Strong right now.
Or Ms. Independent.
Oh Jesus--it just happened again!  I can’t believe this!
As I’m writing this, a clip of Natalie Portman choking up on an acceptance speech for an award is on TV. She’s thanking her dancing partner from the film she was in who is now (she chokes up here) the father of her baby and soon to be life partner. And she is "very grateful and happy."
Eyes watery. Lump in throat.
(Paging Dr.Freud! Paging Dr. Freud!)
OK, maybe it's also an acute case of The Lonelies.
Ugh.

That happens. Right?

4 comments:

  1. Yeah it happens.. I'm currently having a case of it, that I am of course wanting to shake off; but I may need to simply sit with it or live through it. Hopefully grow through it. You-know.?. Anyway great experiment.. Thanks for sharing the experience.. How many days into it are you?

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  2. Yes, that happens! I'm currently having a YEAR of it! ;)

    But, we're supposed to love the 'journey' and love the 'questions'.. not the destination and answers! Damn it.. I WANT ANSWERS! hahah!

    Yes. It happens!

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  3. @thisone, hello there! Thanks for stopping in. I am over 90 days in and wanting to shoot myself in the foot for thinking I could do this. It's hard. Three months would have been attempt enough, but I had to be a big talker!! Ah hell, I'll keep trying. At the very least, it puts me in touch with kind people such as yourself. :-)

    talia: isn't journey a band from the 80's? Sigh. ;-)

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  4. Hi!...Thanks for the compliment, & for putting your self out there.. Over 90 days behind you now..
    Nice!
    Ofcourse you can do it...
    When it comes down to it, most of what we set out to do comes with at least a small bit of doubt... Doesn't have to stop us though.. Seems like you already know that,,a little faith goes a long way...

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